There is always a turning point when you try on clothes and you ask yourselves what the fuck happened? A couple of months back maybe even a blog or two back I described how I managed to almost kill myself in a dressing room trying on a jumper I couldn’t get out of. Well the other day I decided I wanted to try an outfit from thot.com okay maybe its not thot.com but some of the clothes look like thotty wear. I ordered a romper from fashion nova. I thought to myself its a romper, likely stretchy looked loose in the picture leggo.
I wish I had not leggo. When it arrived I was ecstatic at what I thought would be my new hot outfit. That it was not. My boobs were flying out all over the place, it was just not a good look. So now, I’m like this is why bitches go bulimic. It was just crazy. I go to New York and Company, Ann Taylor Limited, Express and I feel good about what I buy. This was not that at all. This was personality shattering, alter ego creating mind fucking is what this was. I don’t know if I can say I looked like an exploding can of Pillsbury dough or what but I can tell you.. that’s the last outfit for me from thotty.com.
People often talk trash about people that say that they think that being cold or being an asshole is something to be proud of. For me, I’m not proud but its a part of who I am lets be honest. This is Honest Tea right? Well, life makes or breaks people. Some people are broken down and beaten down from life. I have hardened unbelievably during the course of the past few years. Part of it is my living in New York. New York is the school of all schools. If you’re going to learn what you’re made of, this is your place. You’re either going to break down and try crack or you’re going to kick ass and lose any sense of humanity left in you potentially. Okay both extremes, but nevertheless, the vicious and cut throat environment will leave much to be desired and you’re either going to handle it or go crying to mommy. For me, it wasn’t jarring so much as it has become almost survival of the fittest. Whose going down, me or you? Its not me thats for damn sure. I’ll make you cry first thats a promise.
I can reflect back on my life and pick out flags of behavior that were always sort of off. A coldness that just became gradually worst with every loss with every defeat and with every challenge. What I am trying to understand is why those that are left in my coldness are often without or even realizing that they are trying to get into the fold. Why if someone despises you so much and doesn’t hide it do you want to try to get in with them? Its a bit masochistic isn’t it? I know someone like this. She tries in her own ways to get in with me. I don’t acknowledge her presence much less pretend. Despise is wrong, I’ve said I hate her but maybe its just strong dislike, disdain? Yet, she’ll try to toss me a compliment thinking it will get me to open up? Perhaps stroke my ego gain acceptance? Its other little things and other words too and sometimes it blows my mind. If someone acted like a dick and clearly didn’t like me, I’d tell you to fuck yourself and your entire lineage down your grandkids. Maybe some people are gluttons for punishment and maybe, just maybe I’m a bit sadistic I guess because I clearly see the game and yet, I don’t give a shit.
You might think that I’m talking about an actual vice. Well folks, I’m not. What I am talking about is the scariest moment of my life trying on a jumper at New York & Company and becoming entrapped in the jumper. The funny thing is, I knew. The moment I was jumping into the damn thing, I was like hmm.. maybe an extra large? Not a lot of flexibility.. but yet I trapped myself in the damn thing. For a minute, I broke into a sweat wondering if I was going to have to call 911 to have the jaws of life extricate me out of the jumper, or if I was going to have to rip out of it..
It was frightening. Somehow, I managed to contort my arms all around the world and I freed one arm, then the other arm.. Lesson of the day is, if you think it doesn’t have a lot of give, don’t try to shove yourself in there anyway. Simply walk away.. Just walk the fuck away..
Let’s be honest, I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been busy twittering away at the in house resident president and ripping racist ignorant assholes apart on the internet. There is no leaps and bound nor end in sight at the rate we are going. One of the few topics I never touched was race. But I think we’ve reached a point where not talking about it, isn’t exactly helping but in fact hindering. Hindering because not talking about something doesn’t make it go away, nor does it change nor make anything better. Its like ignoring the big ass elephant in the room even though he’s stomping in your living room.
Everyday, I come closer to realizing that I am an advocate. I guess that as a minority the hardest part of watching everything as it goes on is the blatant disregard or dismissal by our counterparts. Its almost as if facts, history have no reason in most of the arguments that I have ripped people apart. Case in point, Puerto Rico. I have family know others who have family there who had no idea if their families were starving, were okay, no idea about nothing. So imagine you don’t hear from your family for almost a month, you logon and see what? E-thugs. Uneducated, e-thugs telling you how your Puerto Rican family should die there, or that Puerto Rico is another country…. First, there is no reason people in our so called rich nation shouldn’t know that Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory. Secondary, there is no reason why people in this rich nation shouldn’t know that the U.S. used to use puerto rico as their guinea pig, from using vieques for bomb testing, to birth control guinea pigs.
The problem is we have people who try to hide behind the I don’t see color bullshit. When they damn well see color. We have people that are not educated and I don’t mean with a degree. You can have 8 masters and still be a damned fool. But we have people that are so historically uneducated and so unexposed to other cultures and people that all they have wrapped around in their mind is their own kind. They have smoked the big L that the media has painted, allowed the narrative of bad minorities to shape their bullshit beliefs and solidify and justify their bullshit. There is no excuse today.
Don’t tell me you’re a Christian and you believe that God said to break bread with only your fellow man, don’t tell me its okay to vote for a pedophile because it infringes on your ability to get to heaven since it collides with your own personal beliefs. That’s all a you issue. You have a problem. Its not the minorities in this country, its not the so called illegals (when you discount the illegal Europeans that slaughtered and pillaged the native americans), its you that is the issue.. and you that needs to reconcile your bullshit with the truth. This is why I have such great issue with following any religion so blindly. Don’t you ask questions? Why is your pastor pushing a Benz? Did God ask him to? Why would your so called God teach you hate in his name? So God taught you that your white skin is superior to all others? That sounds like a hell of a religeon and a hell of a God. It sounds to me like a God of convenience. Convenient to your narrative.
A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend about giving videos to the cops. The conversation was about the one time I decided to maybe help someone only to see something funny. The type of shit that could get you killed or shot at. So my point to her was basically unless it’s something serious I’m not talking. She said that was the street mentality, snitches get stitches. Well there’s some truth to that.
It actually made me reflect on my past. I talk about it often enough. I feel more comfortable in the worst neighborhoods than I do some uppity puppets. If you’ve read my blogs you can surmise I’m not an idiot nor am I uneducated, but the fact is the streets also were my own teacher. They taught me the shitty side of life the side where you lose everything start over 1000000 times over, they taught me hunger, but they also taught me to scrap literally and figuratively.
The main reflection I remembered because of her comments were the razors. I carried razors in my mouth in high school. Something I had forgotten about. I had learned to flip them around and everything. I was a black sheep amongst my surroundings. I’m fine with that, but it was life that showed me to never back down. I don’t regret it or resent it. That’s why now I’m a force to be reckoned with. You can take the girl out the streets but you can’t take the streets out this girl….
We were joking today that I’m a gambling crack head. I’ve been playing scratch offs. I don’t play to the point I’m starving to death and my kid is panhandling for food, but I am playing to get the fuck out. I show up to work some days, read my email and desperation to flee kicks in. I start day dreaming about all the careers and things I could potentially do with my life that are not involved with the office. At one point, I think I said I loved my job. Today is not one of those days. I cashed in a $50 scratch off win and play a $20 for a $40 win. Its missing a few digits behind it, but I’ll take it. It gives me hope. Hope that I will be free and that I won’t have to just walk myself out the door because all I feel is sheer desperation.
Its a funny thing, I can go work back at a Corporate firm, but the just thinking about it is like Robitussin, gross all the way down. I have to admit, as I’ve gotten older my dance to the beat of my own drum has gotten carried away. So now, if I can’t live with dark purple hair because its not appropriate, I don’t want any part of it. Let me have Britney 2007 break downs and just live.
Schools across NYC have been having a daddy take your kid to school day clad with photo op sessions and what have you. “Wear your super hero shirt!” “Take a photo with your child in your super hero shirt.” You’re going to be offended but what the fuck? Are you serious? Do men really need a red carpet and a god damned photo op to take their children to school? Almost everyday out of the year, plenty of mothers walk their kids to school everyday or almost everyday and play even larger roles as the caretaker of their kids. I’m still waiting to see a mommy red carpet hall of fame for dropping your kid off at school. Its your fucking job. You helped make this child. Are we really fucking living in a society where we need to applaud the stand up dads like they just made wee wee for the first fucking time?
I’m sorry, I think its a nice thing, but at the same time, I find it slightly ridiculous. I know plenty of mothers that do it all and they don’t get a parade for stepping up and being parents, let alone a day to take a selfie with your kid for doing what you’re supposed to be doing. This is not to take away the credit from single dad’s, or great father’s that sometimes do more than mother’s. But it is an insult to everyone else that does take care of their children every single day and doesn’t need motivation in a day designated to take your kid to school, something you should either already do when you can or you should already be actively partaking..