Gifted..

After my daughter passed her gifted and talented exam, a big feat since I didn’t have her practice just skim the test, we had a decision to make. Her acceptance letter arrived and we got our second choice school. It’s an amazing school by all fronts. Music, Band, Art, STEM, Chess Club. They actually have a designing room for architectural building. What made my heart feel so heavy it could break? It was the realization that many students in NY won’t be privy to those same luxuries. That schools that don’t offer gifted and talented and other enrichment programs won’t give these same opportunities to other students that may have the talent and skills to keep up but are not allotted those same opportunities. Especially marginalized poor children in districts where education is already trash. Where teachers could care less and where they lack the institutional support as well as the resources to prepare students properly. Where students are much like an inmate another number, just pass them on. Let them deal with life on their own without the adequate tools to compete.

It was the realization that although my daughter’s current school isn’t bad, it wasn’t great either. That she would miss out on things that other children don’t go without and this holds especially true for children of color that live in u Continue reading “Gifted..”

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A necessary evil

You might think it’s cruel you might judge it as vicious. One of the main reasons I block shit out or check out emotionally is because it’s too difficult otherwise to sever a limb that’s the root of your problem. My relationship with my parents is strained to say the least. This is especially true with my father. While I was in New York I purposely maintained a distant relationship where he went through what he went through with miles between us. The reason is that I knew if he was closer he would bleed me financially dry. Even from a far we found ourselves sending money to help 400, 500 at time. Sometimes it wasn’t even my money but my significant others. My father came to live with us so that I could help him get back on his feet. This has been more than challenging causing arguments in my relationship because of his lack of efforts in the House. Although I never agree outright with my significant other because doing so would just put a battery in his back, he’s made undeniable claims. Take right now for example. I have clothes on the bathroom floor to take to laundry. I walk in the bathroom and it’s wet. I smell pee but I think I’m crazy right? I step on my shower rug and it’s wet, now I’m like what the hell. I ask my dad if he showered he’s all calm like oh no the toilet overflowed I’m like fuming now because he didn’t tell me. My clothes are then wet with toilet water.

I’m not pissed it happened I’m pissed he didn’t tell me. So now it’s 12:00 a.m. I have to work and I’m up doing laundry. He didn’t clean it up, he didn’t move the rug. Despite his health ailments the mans not handicap. This is the shit that infuriates my s/o. He leaves everything a mess. I understand not feeling well. But seriously, it’s not everyday that it’s a bad day. I’ve had moments where I’ve questioned his mental state. Because sometimes I feel like you have to be nuts. There’s no other explanation. The moral is this is why I emotionally check out because if I was emotionally invested in my parents all these years they would’ve bled me dry financially, emotionally and mentally trying to carry an anchor all my life. It sounds fucked up but that’s what it is. Supporting family can sometimes be like trying to run a 5k with a body tied to your ankle. You just can’t do it. You get nowhere fast. You’ll make it at some point but you ain’t making it today. So for me I choose to ignore shit and not let it bother me. I’m pissed now but I’ll get over it. At some point we need to part ways. You can over help someone even if they need the help. By all accounts I’m reaching my max.

Supa wha????

Schools across NYC have been having a daddy take your kid to school day clad with photo op sessions and what have you.  “Wear your super hero shirt!” “Take a photo with your child in your super hero shirt.”  You’re going to be offended but what the fuck? Are you serious? Do men really need a red carpet and a god damned photo op to take their children to school? Almost everyday out of the year, plenty of mothers walk their kids to school everyday or almost everyday and play even larger roles as the caretaker of their kids. I’m still waiting to see a mommy red carpet hall of fame for dropping your kid off at school. Its your fucking job. You helped make this child. Are we really fucking living in a society where we need to applaud the stand up dads like they just made wee wee for the first fucking time?

I’m sorry, I think its a nice thing, but at the same time, I find it slightly ridiculous. I know plenty of mothers that do it all and they don’t get a parade for stepping up and being parents, let alone a day to take a selfie with your kid for doing what you’re supposed to be doing. This is not to take away the credit from single dad’s, or great father’s that sometimes do more than mother’s. But it is an insult to everyone else that does take care of their children every single day and doesn’t need motivation in a day designated to take your kid to school, something you should either already do when you can or you should already be actively partaking..

Do you need a lyft..

Like all things in my life everything is exaggerated. I can’t be normal. Maybe it’s my screws upstairs that are missing or that personality disorder is traits that I often talk about. My daughters birthday is coming up. I’m big on birthdays, or was. I would show up to work in a full on bling not plastic tiara for my birthday. My celebration lasted a month. I felt like life itself was a celebration, another year, another day, another chance to change things. 

For my daughters first birthday I celebrated with friends and family in New York and Florida. For her second birthday I did the same. Since my daughter is in camp I opted this year to buy a cake for the girls at camp. A friend of mine who’s motto is “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” comes to mind. I wanted to buy her a cute cake. Not a plain $20 cake. So I went with a unicorn cake. The problem? It’s massive. So much so that on a train during rush hour I would have pancake by the time I got to Harlem. 

So I decided to call a lyft. The problem is that my driver is nice but he’s giving me anxiety as I sit in the back. He’s taken routes that I’m like what? So here i sit wondering what exactly the bill will be since I’m still in Brooklyn and this trip said it would take 30 min has now become 42. I’m trying to take things in stride. Life is short. I won’t always be around with my daughter. She drives me nuts and I probably threaten to spank her at least 3 times a day. But these are the things that I do to make sure she has a great time. It’s the details, the memories. Kids don’t need much, this I know. But I want her to always remember that I always tried to make her feel special. 

The challenge..

Today was difficult overall. It started like a crazy hectic day from the moment I walked into the office. I took it in stride and then it all went downhill from there. My father racked up a few thousand dollars in international charges. I have been paying it down slowly but its affecting my lines. Then, I received a notice that because I forgot to schedule a payment they were going to turn off our lights. That was hard. I made the payment but this all happened in a span of a few hours/minutes from each other. I wound up taking lunch not doing my homework for class and just walking out and sitting in the church next door for 20 minutes. I needed peace, I needed solace.

I’ve been on my medication for the SLE for about a week. Its hard, I sometimes forget, and I don’t feel all that well. I feel tired and most of all achy. It varies on the severity. I stomp around the office trying to work and focus, but some moments my focus isn’t there. My focus is on the pain in my fingers and ankles or wrists and not on what I’m working on.

I compare this revelation of the SLE diagnosis to driving your entire life at 100 mph and slamming the brakes at once and now driving 30 mph. I’ve been trying to figure out my life and figure out what to do with myself. I was and always have been driven but now in the face of my own mortality, I am questioning what I want. All the money I wanted won’t fix what I have. It will make me happier in a lot of regards but it won’t cure me. As I sit here typing, I am thinking about my school work. I have to do something today but the truth is that I just want to sleep and maybe try to sneak in a game or two..

Today was stressful but tomorrow is another day… live to fight another day..

Disney’s reoccurring theme..

I have a six year old. I’ve raised her thus far to think little girls are not grown women. As she gets older she will earn the right to do more things like paint her nails, go out etc. At 6, she’s not ready to hit the club like it’s her birthday as best sung by good ol 50 cent. One day though she will be, but hopefully by that time I have prepared her as well as I can for life. 

Shopping for girls these days is hard. The fashions are outrageous. I once saw a tube top that doubled as a mini skirt. I mean am I dressing a future baby prostitute or a child? It’s sick. I dress my daughter as age appropriate as I can, as fashion forward as I can without trying to turn her into a self obsessed monster. So imagine the difficulty in finding age appropriate shows.

She’s 6 but bores of cartoons. She’s an uber smart (to smart for her own good) kid. So although the screen shows tv shows with a G rating which are hypothetically for the general audience, I’ve found one massive reoccurring theme. Boy crazy girls that are just obsessed with boys. Okay, obviously kids grow up and start to eventually notice the opposite sex. But why are shows aimed at the general consensus of just showing boy thirsty girls? I take issues with that. Is that all we can teach girls? Granted, teaching starts at home but you can’t deny the outside influences are like subliminal Devils. Where else are girls younger and younger developing body image issues from? Instagram? Where everyone takes photos like their waiting to film their next debut with Brad Pitt. Social media. Magazines. Tv shows. This all plays a part. 

People like to argue that it’s a parents fault or problem to screen and monitor their children. I agree but to a degree. I can’t raise my daughter in a bubble. There has to be some sort of accountability about what we show kids, what we put forth. How about a show about a girl who’s an A student who invents the cure for some formerly incurable disease or a show about the first girl ground breaking scientist who’s also a teenager like Dougie Howser who was a doctor at like 13? We need more shows about women and girls shattering those glass ceilings than incorporating all the dumb shit that at the end matters so minutely. 

WWYD (What Would You Do)

Have you watched that show? What would you do? Some of the situations are mind blowing and enraging. Ironically, the other day they showed a situation involving babies. A couple brings a baby to a 10 star restaurant and the question was what would you do if the baby is crying through your dinner. Me personally I’m an asshole. I would side eye through my entire meal. Listen, I’m a mom, but I didn’t take my daughter out until I felt ready she was a silent presence out in public. I can honorably say my daughter never had a meltdown in public. Then again my silent motherly theme song was L.L. Cool J’s Mamma said knock you out. My daughter knew better. Even now, I take her to work no one even knows she’s there. Which brings me to today. 

Today, although I’m dying from a cold, I took my daughter to go see boss baby the movie. The thing is, it’s obviously a kids movie. But why did I hear actual screaming babies that were not cast on the movie? Listen, I sacrificed and didn’t expose the world to a constantly screaming child. Even before I had kids I hated the parents who just let their monster scream bloody murder. Kids are unpredictable, I know you can’t just put a cork in them, but you do have to teach them manners. I used to purposely take my daughter down the toy aisle to teach her that not always would she get a toy and we do not act up. She never had a meltdown for a toy. 

When I became a parent my mantra was I don’t want to hear this shit, so neither should you have to hear it. Some places are baby free zones. Would you take your newborn into a nightclub? Would you take your infant to the bar?  Maybe some body shots for the kid? The answer is no. So if you wouldn’t take your kid out to those places why is it so far fetched to not take your screaming child or infant to a 5 star restaurant where my chicken costs as much as a god damned farm of chickens. I just think it’s prudent. So yes, I’m an asshole but I also was prudent enough to put parenting first above my own need to go see the latest flick. By the way the movie was awesome. Some adult intended suggestive comments but overall hilarious, a tad sad but great.