With all the things that my dad is going through health wise, I decided to suck it up and go see a doctor. It turns out that my PCP who I love and reminds me of the little man from UP has retired. I’ve been mourning him for 2 weeks now. What really pushed me to seek medical help was I got food poisoning the week before last, then I wound up with some viral cold/flu that kicked my ass and had me towing crossing over. I admit, after my time working for a personal injury firm and seeing hospitals in New York failing epicly, I’m sketched. The bulk of my treatment and my daughters is in Long Island with surgeries in Manhattan and Long Island. I’ve never been treated by doctors out on the other boroughs that are affiliated with any local hospitals. Its not to say that there aren’t amazing doctors, but the level of care is just vastly different. NYU compared to Woodhull before the purchase. If you don’t know, once upon a time, Woodhull was a nightmare. You might check in, crap shoot if you check out. You couldn’t pay me to check in there.
So the moral is that I know better. I don’t get injections from basement doctors or get medicines out of zip lock bags. Normally, I do my due diligence. When I was super sick last week I decided to call a doctor because I really felt like I was dying. I got ahold of an office that scheduled me for a week later. Mind you, I had searched for a PCP in my area. Time passed I showed up to my appointment yesterday. Of course, it wasn’t drama free. I looked like a crazy person exchanging words with the car service that picks up my dad from dialysis. My dad called and they were an hour late, telling him they’d be there in 15 minute increments. By the time I was done I had ripped them a new asshole and threatened them if something happens to my father in his condition.
I proceeded to go into the office. Hindsight is amazing. I filled out the paperwork which was unremarkable and waited patiently. When I was called in I gave the nurse my entire history. Food poisioning, etc. when the doctor came in I gave him the same run down. He asked if I had anxiety, I told him that it’s possible at this time. Long story short he proceeded to tell me to strip down and put on the gown. They were going to run a panel for HIV, STD’s and thyroid. This should’ve been my first clue that something was off. In fact for a minute I paused and repeated his instructions. Yet, I still sat down waited for him and the nurse to return and had a vaginal exam.
I went to work and told my bestie about it. She was hilarious because her first question was if there was a nurse present. I responded yes, I don’t think I was molested. Long story short, I had not made an appointment with a PCP. It was an ob/gyn. No wonder he was like okay crazy person, when I proceeded to give him my entire medical life. Today, I was cleaning out my bag and found the business card. Sure enough further evidence that I had gone to an OB/GYN. What throws me off is that the person that scheduled me could hear that I couldn’t talk. I had a hell of a sore throat and told her I was coming in because I was so sick. Maybe she thought I was pregnant and dying of a cold but we were clearly both mistaken… and that’s the story of how I got my vajajay checked when I was really trying to treat a god damned cold…
I have a six year old. I’ve raised her thus far to think little girls are not grown women. As she gets older she will earn the right to do more things like paint her nails, go out etc. At 6, she’s not ready to hit the club like it’s her birthday as best sung by good ol 50 cent. One day though she will be, but hopefully by that time I have prepared her as well as I can for life.
Shopping for girls these days is hard. The fashions are outrageous. I once saw a tube top that doubled as a mini skirt. I mean am I dressing a future baby prostitute or a child? It’s sick. I dress my daughter as age appropriate as I can, as fashion forward as I can without trying to turn her into a self obsessed monster. So imagine the difficulty in finding age appropriate shows.
She’s 6 but bores of cartoons. She’s an uber smart (to smart for her own good) kid. So although the screen shows tv shows with a G rating which are hypothetically for the general audience, I’ve found one massive reoccurring theme. Boy crazy girls that are just obsessed with boys. Okay, obviously kids grow up and start to eventually notice the opposite sex. But why are shows aimed at the general consensus of just showing boy thirsty girls? I take issues with that. Is that all we can teach girls? Granted, teaching starts at home but you can’t deny the outside influences are like subliminal Devils. Where else are girls younger and younger developing body image issues from? Instagram? Where everyone takes photos like their waiting to film their next debut with Brad Pitt. Social media. Magazines. Tv shows. This all plays a part.
People like to argue that it’s a parents fault or problem to screen and monitor their children. I agree but to a degree. I can’t raise my daughter in a bubble. There has to be some sort of accountability about what we show kids, what we put forth. How about a show about a girl who’s an A student who invents the cure for some formerly incurable disease or a show about the first girl ground breaking scientist who’s also a teenager like Dougie Howser who was a doctor at like 13? We need more shows about women and girls shattering those glass ceilings than incorporating all the dumb shit that at the end matters so minutely.
Have you watched that show? What would you do? Some of the situations are mind blowing and enraging. Ironically, the other day they showed a situation involving babies. A couple brings a baby to a 10 star restaurant and the question was what would you do if the baby is crying through your dinner. Me personally I’m an asshole. I would side eye through my entire meal. Listen, I’m a mom, but I didn’t take my daughter out until I felt ready she was a silent presence out in public. I can honorably say my daughter never had a meltdown in public. Then again my silent motherly theme song was L.L. Cool J’s Mamma said knock you out. My daughter knew better. Even now, I take her to work no one even knows she’s there. Which brings me to today.
Today, although I’m dying from a cold, I took my daughter to go see boss baby the movie. The thing is, it’s obviously a kids movie. But why did I hear actual screaming babies that were not cast on the movie? Listen, I sacrificed and didn’t expose the world to a constantly screaming child. Even before I had kids I hated the parents who just let their monster scream bloody murder. Kids are unpredictable, I know you can’t just put a cork in them, but you do have to teach them manners. I used to purposely take my daughter down the toy aisle to teach her that not always would she get a toy and we do not act up. She never had a meltdown for a toy.
When I became a parent my mantra was I don’t want to hear this shit, so neither should you have to hear it. Some places are baby free zones. Would you take your newborn into a nightclub? Would you take your infant to the bar? Maybe some body shots for the kid? The answer is no. So if you wouldn’t take your kid out to those places why is it so far fetched to not take your screaming child or infant to a 5 star restaurant where my chicken costs as much as a god damned farm of chickens. I just think it’s prudent. So yes, I’m an asshole but I also was prudent enough to put parenting first above my own need to go see the latest flick. By the way the movie was awesome. Some adult intended suggestive comments but overall hilarious, a tad sad but great.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve texted my friends this morning letting them know I look like I escaped Bellevue. You know, the insane asylum. My hairs knotted and crazy and I’m still in pajamas. Should I care? Possibly. Do I care. No. Although at this moment, I won’t walk outside for fear of being chased with a straight jacket. I can see it now: the paddy wagon people chasing after me with a straight jacket screaming “There she is.” There’s no use trying to explain I’m not an insane escapee. Who’d believe me right? Especially when I look insane.
You have no idea how many times a week I have to resist the urge to show up to work in sweats. I haven’t done it yet, but one of these days I seriously just might. No effort. No fucks given. That actually reminds me of my partying days…
I worked at this one firm where almost always I’d party in Miami drive an hour home possibly change go straight to work. Often times for a while there I looked like I was stripping all night. I did hide my clubbing outfits by throwing on cardigans and coats. It was Florida though. So what was I doing in 80 degree weather with a baby blue furry coat that made me look like fucking Cookie Monster at 8 am? Yeah that resulted in a talk to. A sit down to discuss my recent appearance. That convo also discussed my “cleavage” issues. Listen I’m sorry not sorry. I have big boobs. If I don’t wear a v neck not a plunging neck line to my ankles just a v neck I think it’s worse. Then I look like I have a big ass football on steroids on my chest. Not happening. Lo siento. Apparently from the second floor the attorneys could see my boobage. Listen NASA could see my boobs. I mean their there. I can’t just swap them out like a handbag.
The moral of today’s story is that I look unapologetically insane. And that’s okay. My eyebrows look like Frieda. My sweats look like I’m homeless and my hair looks like I hit a 240 volt socket. It’s quite alright…
Okay I admit it, there’s always a battle between good and evil. 98% of the time my bad side wins. At work, I am known to prank people. I can’t help it, although I better help it or my bestie my disown me. I was having a rough rough day yesterday. However, by the end of the day I turned it around. My friend has been the source of scaring for some time. So at the end of the day as I turned the corner in the hall walking towards my desk. I stopped and turned back towards an empty cubicle that contains bozo. Bozo is the office mascot. He’s a big red punch clown. It occurred to me that I could sneak up to my friends cubicle hold the clown up and scream and scare her. All I can say is success. She almost caught wings. I don’t know where she was running to in her cubicle cell, but she slammed her chair into her file cabinet and screamed aye cono. She called me a fucking bitch. Priceless. She proceeded to tell my boss I almost killed her.
I was almost on the floor dying. So in those 5 minutes I came up with scaring one of our newer employees. He’s been on my radar to scare for a while. So I told my boss and the attorney to ask him for help with the water cooler. Meanwhile, I slinked silently into he closet where the water is kept and silently shut the door behind myself. I waited and heard them approaching. I watched through the crack in the door waiting to see the shadow of him approaching. He opened the door and I screamed rawr!!!! He jumped back and his eyes were like saucers.
It was epic to say the least. I know I’m going to soon become the office target to scare, but I’ve warned them. I’m two steps ahead. They may get me back and scare me, but I’ve already got at least two more pranks ready to go. Life is an attitude. I choose to laugh, I choose to be fun, funny and laugh. There’s too much sad shit going on to focus on being sad. It’s hard to be strong, but you find strength in the good times and the good things. They remind you that not all is bad in the world. So here’s to April fools.