Reality check 1…2..1…2..

There is always a turning point when you try on clothes and you ask yourselves what the fuck happened? A couple of months back maybe even a blog or two back I described how I managed to almost kill myself in a dressing room trying on a jumper I couldn’t get out of. Well the other day I decided I wanted to try an outfit from thot.com okay maybe its not thot.com but some of the clothes look like thotty wear. I ordered a romper from fashion nova. I thought to myself its a romper, likely stretchy looked loose in the picture leggo.

I wish I had not leggo. When it arrived I was ecstatic at what I thought would be my new hot outfit. That it was not. My boobs were flying out all over the place, it was just not a good look. So now, I’m like this is why bitches go bulimic. It was just crazy. I go to New York and Company, Ann Taylor Limited, Express and I feel good about what I buy. This was not that at all. This was personality shattering, alter ego creating mind fucking is what this was. I don’t know if I can say I looked like an exploding can of Pillsbury dough or what but I can tell you.. that’s the last outfit for me from thotty.com.

 

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A necessary evil

You might think it’s cruel you might judge it as vicious. One of the main reasons I block shit out or check out emotionally is because it’s too difficult otherwise to sever a limb that’s the root of your problem. My relationship with my parents is strained to say the least. This is especially true with my father. While I was in New York I purposely maintained a distant relationship where he went through what he went through with miles between us. The reason is that I knew if he was closer he would bleed me financially dry. Even from a far we found ourselves sending money to help 400, 500 at time. Sometimes it wasn’t even my money but my significant others. My father came to live with us so that I could help him get back on his feet. This has been more than challenging causing arguments in my relationship because of his lack of efforts in the House. Although I never agree outright with my significant other because doing so would just put a battery in his back, he’s made undeniable claims. Take right now for example. I have clothes on the bathroom floor to take to laundry. I walk in the bathroom and it’s wet. I smell pee but I think I’m crazy right? I step on my shower rug and it’s wet, now I’m like what the hell. I ask my dad if he showered he’s all calm like oh no the toilet overflowed I’m like fuming now because he didn’t tell me. My clothes are then wet with toilet water.

I’m not pissed it happened I’m pissed he didn’t tell me. So now it’s 12:00 a.m. I have to work and I’m up doing laundry. He didn’t clean it up, he didn’t move the rug. Despite his health ailments the mans not handicap. This is the shit that infuriates my s/o. He leaves everything a mess. I understand not feeling well. But seriously, it’s not everyday that it’s a bad day. I’ve had moments where I’ve questioned his mental state. Because sometimes I feel like you have to be nuts. There’s no other explanation. The moral is this is why I emotionally check out because if I was emotionally invested in my parents all these years they would’ve bled me dry financially, emotionally and mentally trying to carry an anchor all my life. It sounds fucked up but that’s what it is. Supporting family can sometimes be like trying to run a 5k with a body tied to your ankle. You just can’t do it. You get nowhere fast. You’ll make it at some point but you ain’t making it today. So for me I choose to ignore shit and not let it bother me. I’m pissed now but I’ll get over it. At some point we need to part ways. You can over help someone even if they need the help. By all accounts I’m reaching my max.

Why..

People often talk trash about people that say that they think that being cold or being an asshole is something to be proud of. For me, I’m not proud but its a part of who I am lets be honest. This is Honest Tea right? Well, life makes or breaks people. Some people are broken down and beaten down from life. I have hardened unbelievably during the course of the past few years. Part of it is my living in New York. New York is the school of all schools. If you’re going to learn what you’re made of, this is your place. You’re either going to break down and try crack or you’re going to kick ass and lose any sense of humanity left in you potentially. Okay both extremes, but nevertheless, the vicious and cut throat environment will leave much to be desired and you’re either going to handle it or go crying to mommy. For me, it wasn’t jarring so much as it has become almost survival of the fittest. Whose going down, me or you? Its not me thats for damn sure. I’ll make you cry first thats a promise.

I can reflect back on my life and pick out flags of behavior that were always sort of off. A coldness that just became gradually worst with every loss with every defeat and with every challenge. What I am trying to understand is why those that are left in my coldness are often without or even realizing that they are trying to get into the fold. Why if someone despises you so much and doesn’t hide it do you want to try to get in with them? Its a bit masochistic isn’t it? I know someone like this. She tries in her own ways to get in with me. I don’t acknowledge her presence much less pretend. Despise is wrong, I’ve said I hate her but maybe its just strong dislike, disdain? ¬†Yet, she’ll try to toss me a compliment thinking it will get me to open up? Perhaps stroke my ego gain acceptance? Its other little things and other words too and sometimes it blows my mind. If someone acted like a dick and clearly didn’t like me, I’d tell you to fuck yourself and your entire lineage down your grandkids. Maybe some people are gluttons for punishment and maybe, just maybe I’m a bit sadistic I guess because I clearly see the game and yet, I don’t give a shit.

The Alpha…

If you think this is about the beginning and the end the omega I’ve got news for you, it’s not. It’s about the natural process of human selection that helps weed out weak from strong and determine the alpha dog running the show. The main circus ringmaster. People have often laughed about my intricate studies of human behaviors and personality issues. That’s okay, because that’s why I admit that when I need to I know just where to either piss you off or make you feel the right desired effect. Case in point at work.

When I have a case and I have a phenomenal client I advocate relentlessly. I fight for my client for their family with the ruthlessness of a vicious mother cub protecting her den. How do I accomplish this? Manipulating the concept of the appeal to sympathy. The appeal to sympathy implies that something is meritless and you’re simply relying on sympathy to slate you on. In my cases that’s not the case at all, far from it actually. But my attempt is to make the readers feel enraptured by my work. To relate to it in such a level that it does evoke emotion of some sort. If you’re a normal feeling human being no matter how tough but sans a personality issue where you wouldn’t feel this would be futile. For me it’s about winning and getting the cases approved on behalf of these people that I feel so strongly for. As an advocate I am the Alpha that is running the show pulling the strings of the puppets on the receiving end. I know the reaction that I want and I also know when I read my own work how close we are to a slam dunk.

The thing is that some people think they are Alphas. But an Alpha female or male doesn’t have to exercise and wield their power to show they’re the Alpha. In fact, sometimes it’s just their presence, attitude, the gaze, or walk it’s in their behavior. Not for nothing, I know I’m an Alpha. Narcissistic much? Not at all, it’s a knowing. If I want to eviscerate you, believe me I will.

Emotionally unavailable…

Do you have any idea what it means to be emotionally unavailable? Ding dong, no ones home, out to lunch … that about adequately describes my emotional state currently, although this is nothing new.

I often find it amusing when this one particular person in my life talks shit about everyone around him how dumb they are about their relationships and decisions etc while I stare blankly wondering how you can say that when everyone around you hates you? How does that pan out? They might be dumb but at least people don’t hate them including their significant other. I don’t know if it’s audacity, blindness or the desire to be better than others but I’d rather be dumb and have real friends than think I’m smarter than everyone else and have everyone in my path despise me. Although in my own defense whatever hate I earn I’m sure I’ve worked mighty hard for it and I’m likely to be perfectly okay with that.

I’ve never met a Sagittarius man that I could get along with. They just take everything to the complete left even though what I say is neutral they always have to run with my shit. It drives me bat shit insane. It doesn’t make you wiser just petty.

Long story short I heard a song that reminded me of well me.. technically single and emotionally unavailable.

The devil made me do it…

Today we were talking about revelations which is fitting to talk about the end of times and my place in hell since I just did something that brought me some semblance of joy but was evil I suppose. New York is very cluttered and busy. I love it. I’m always running 100 mph. So that brief stint I wasn’t feeling good and health was a real ass kicker. Mostly because what would I do with myself on slow?

Today my sociopathic traits just took over. Getting shoved around is nothing in New York. Today I let the devil take me. I’m walking to my train when a chick crosses my path she hits my boob because she’s focused on getting across from me horizontally from the stairs to the train in front of her. So what do I do in retaliation? I trip kick her that’s what the fuck I did. Bumping into someone accidentally is one thing and incidental if it’s packed. Bumping into someone because you’re too busy staring st the train in front of you instead of being aware of your surroundings is a whole other ball game in a city of psychopaths and sociopaths in your very midst. To add I turn around to see her face in disbelief and she’s like omg. So of course I part with fucking bitch.

The irony in this story is that a guy with a set of bongos walks in the train I finally make and starts drumming and singing psalms isn’t lost on me. Guess tonight I’ll look up Babylon on the Bible…

The vice…

You might think that I’m talking about an actual vice. Well folks, I’m not. What I am talking about is the scariest moment of my life trying on a jumper at New York & Company and becoming entrapped in the jumper. The funny thing is, I knew. The moment I was jumping into the damn thing, I was like hmm.. maybe an extra large? Not a lot of flexibility.. but yet I trapped myself in the damn thing. For a minute, I broke into a sweat wondering if I was going to have to call 911 to have the jaws of life extricate me out of the jumper, or if I was going to have to rip out of it..

It was frightening. Somehow, I managed to contort my arms all around the world and I freed one arm, then the other arm.. Lesson of the day is, if you think it doesn’t have a lot of give, don’t try to shove yourself in there anyway. Simply walk away.. Just walk the fuck away..