Literally, IBS. Its one of the most wonderful presents that either results from my shitty (no pun intended) gallbladder issues, or from my fibromyalgia. Supposedly, doc says its from fibro. I had no freaking idea or clue that your stomach could be affected by some strange invisible illness that makes you feel like you have the flu x 1000. For me, that’s one of my new perks. That any little thing could literally make me shit myself. I find it super challenging when I’m out or at work because quite frankly, I have a bathroom phobia. I hate public bathrooms, I feel like I need to douse in bleach and anti-septics just from walking in there. For me, I also have the I can’t take a shit when other people are around syndrome. So sometimes, I literally have to walk into the potty and walk myself out so that I can later come back and use it in peace.
I know that everyone uses the potty, but sometimes, I sound like a damn whoopee cushion sounding off because my stomach is just uncontrollable. I hate being that person, you know the one that blew up the potty but I can’t help it. At least I have the decency when I don’t have my poopouri to use and dash so that you don’t know whose assaulted your olfactory senses. To anyone out there dealing with IBS or fibro causing IBS. You’re not alone.
I’ve often heard the shrinks are crazy. Maybe it’s because they deal with other people’s problems? Maybe it’s being around crazy people makes you normalize abnormal behavior? I don’t know. What I do know is slowly my exposure to these professionals is exposing traits and symptoms that you would see in everyday patients like OCD, anxiety and just sheer borderline crazy. I don’t take the usage of the term crazy lightly. So if I question your sanity I sincerely am asking if you’re fucking nuts.
The one thing I despise is that I always feel like we’re playing some sort of mental chess. A battle of the wills. You trying to asses my response to your behavior. Followed by my favorite what I call the passive voice. The voice used to pacify and bring people off the damn ledge.
Inevitably I will have to really sit down and figure out if my lights are off upstairs, will be off or if they have always been off with no one home… because maybe it’s the people that enhance what you already are.
I am not a complainer. But when I tell you that I woke up feeling half way to crippled today is bad. I’m still upbeat shiver ice cream down my throat to cope with my day but I am in pain. If this invisible monster hijacking my body is not Lupus, or Sjogrens but fibromyalgia, bitch won today. I have felt so much pain in my knees and in my body it feels sort of like my body is pulsing. It’s sharp like lightning running down my wrists to my fingers, and on my feet up to my ankles. My knees are just screaming in pain.
I half way decided I wanted to join yoga although I’m still part way dismissive. But something has to give. By the time I’m 40 I’m going to need a cane or a power scooter. That I will not allow. I fight and today I’m fighting like hell. The worst part for anyone battling autoimmune or related illness is that outside you look okay. Inside it’s like a category 5 hurricane waging war. Today is one of those days. If you know someone battling this silent war be nice, be gentle. They may not complain, scream or shout or show signs of pain. But I can promise you that the pain is as real as falling out of a moving car.
This morning my daughters father brought up the unfortunate and untimely death of Kate Spade. First of all you don’t know anyone’s life. Depression is not a joke. I’ve spoken before about the barreling dark hole I found myself in at one point of my life. That was actually scary looking back. However, no matter how depressed I’ve been or the suicidal ideations that I have tangled with, for me personally I know that taking my own life just isn’t something I would do. Its not an option.
The point of this discussion is that he was like “How could someone with billions an apartment over Park Avenue a husband and a child kill themselves?” My response was you have no idea what she felt. Having all of that maybe wasn’t personal satisfaction. Maybe she felt like she had lost her own identity. This assumption that having it all money and family = happiness enraged me. To some people that’s bliss. For other women maybe they want more career or to invest their ideas etc in building something. Satisfaction of your life and overall happiness isn’t defined. So you can’t say but she had a husband and a child and assume that was fulfilling (no offense) or the secret to eternal bliss.
So I tried to explain from a personal perspective that no offense to my daughter I love her dearly but she doesn’t define me. It’s one role of many. I’m a person with my own wants and needs and that’s okay. He calls it selfish. Almost like my own identity should just die because I’m a mother. That’s a problem and I told him as much. A patriarchal issue that women can’t have it all, while a man has a thriving career a family without ever feeling the effects of any of it. While women run the gambit to try to juggle an entire life of career, family and maintain elements of a self. I’m by no means saying that I know what happened, but what I am saying is that it’s not only a mental health issue depression, etc but also that as a society we need to stop trying to neatly package where and how everyone should be happy with these fictitious and bullshit roles and ideas that parenting and family life is the most fulfilling role of your life. That these are the things that should make you happy and anything that deviates from this is just a waste or a loss.
There’s a quote that I read from a few years back that made me reflect on all of this: “Spade said balancing her family life with her new business was hectic. “Being a mother adds an enormous amount of stress to your life. You need to make sure you’re there for everything,” she told The Cut. “We don’t have other people to do it for us — I want to make sure I’m there. When you’re trying to be a parent and a businessperson at the same time, that is the most stressful thing you could do.”
If you know someone who is depressed or if you are suffering from depression, you are not alone. There is help. It is okay to talk to someone and to need a little help to get out of the darkness into the light…
After my daughter passed her gifted and talented exam, a big feat since I didn’t have her practice just skim the test, we had a decision to make. Her acceptance letter arrived and we got our second choice school. It’s an amazing school by all fronts. Music, Band, Art, STEM, Chess Club. They actually have a designing room for architectural building. What made my heart feel so heavy it could break? It was the realization that many students in NY won’t be privy to those same luxuries. That schools that don’t offer gifted and talented and other enrichment programs won’t give these same opportunities to other students that may have the talent and skills to keep up but are not allotted those same opportunities. Especially marginalized poor children in districts where education is already trash. Where teachers could care less and where they lack the institutional support as well as the resources to prepare students properly. Where students are much like an inmate another number, just pass them on. Let them deal with life on their own without the adequate tools to compete.
It was the realization that although my daughter’s current school isn’t bad, it wasn’t great either. That she would miss out on things that other children don’t go without and this holds especially true for children of color that live in u Continue reading “Gifted..”
There is always a turning point when you try on clothes and you ask yourselves what the fuck happened? A couple of months back maybe even a blog or two back I described how I managed to almost kill myself in a dressing room trying on a jumper I couldn’t get out of. Well the other day I decided I wanted to try an outfit from thot.com okay maybe its not thot.com but some of the clothes look like thotty wear. I ordered a romper from fashion nova. I thought to myself its a romper, likely stretchy looked loose in the picture leggo.
I wish I had not leggo. When it arrived I was ecstatic at what I thought would be my new hot outfit. That it was not. My boobs were flying out all over the place, it was just not a good look. So now, I’m like this is why bitches go bulimic. It was just crazy. I go to New York and Company, Ann Taylor Limited, Express and I feel good about what I buy. This was not that at all. This was personality shattering, alter ego creating mind fucking is what this was. I don’t know if I can say I looked like an exploding can of Pillsbury dough or what but I can tell you.. that’s the last outfit for me from thotty.com.