A repetitive car crash…

I was in the shower this morning thinking about last night. I say what I mean do what I say. My relationship with my daughters father disintegrated a long time ago. You can’t hurt someone, do shit and think that it has absolutely no ramifications. I keep a tally. Just because I’m here doesn’t mean we’re okay. Much like my blog about toxic relationships this was exactly what it was about. 

I’ve told him a number of times that I hate him and meant it. I’ve wished him ill and meant it. He’s done things that there is no coming back from. I’ve stayed as long as I have because of my daughter, the irony is i know I have to leave because of her too. This mornings realization was that my relationship is like a friend that picks you up for a ride then drives you straight into a wall. They don’t apologize do something nice and then do this again and again. They think that they are redeemed by doing something nice after they’ve driven you straight into a wall time and time again until you say fuck that I’m not going for a ride anymore and then they get mad at you for it. The only unconditional love I know is for my daughter. If that exists in relationships feel free and let me know. 

I don’t think you should feel dread before you get home, I don’t think that you should feel peace when your supposed other half is not around. You should feel excited or at least happy to be able to share your day with your other half. Communication should not be like speaking two different languages. My life is easy when he is not around, that’s a tragedy. Because how can I miss someone that complicates my life and not in a positive way? It’s simple you can’t. Especially when the person causing the strife doesn’t feel like they need to change. When they think they’re the table but instead they’re the stoppers on the table. Either way I’m on the way to work blasting happy Pharrell. Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy this morning. 

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