The process of healing…

Healing is a process like grieving. Professionals might argue with me from a scientifical aspect but I’m talking about this from a personal standpoint. Pain is like a black cloud that looms over everything. This is one of the most difficult emotions to contend with. People turn to drugs or alcohol just to shut this shit off. For me healing was about a ten year love affair. It took me about or around ten years to fully understand that I in no shape way and form deserved to be homeless at 15. That my goals and dreams were made challenging not by my own doing. More importantly to come to terms with the understanding that regardless of what complications my parents created they would have to deal with their decisions that ultimately affected me. Not the other way around. 

That was a hard pill to swallow. For the longest time I drove myself nuts trying to understand why. Why was I going through so much shit. It took me a long time to simply come to terms and realize that sometimes you need to make your own peace with things. Sometimes you will never get the closure that you want. My father denied any wrong doing for well over those ten years. Until one day I told him exactly what he had done and the deep rooted resentment at his actions and how adversely they had affected my future. It was at that point that I did not get an apology exactly but an admission that perhaps things were not handled properly but the choices made were made out of thinking  that it was best for me. Good enough. When I lost My friend in New York some odd years ago, I was at an absolute loss. I had online school and I have to tell you that I was recording my work while sobbing like a lunatic because the loss was great. I had never in my life experienced such pain. I still live it but it becomes easier with each day. That’s the thing, pain like any physical injury. It’s always there but it becomes managble. The problem is there is no guide, there’s no right or wrong answer. There’s no time frame. You can’t say you’ll be better in 2 months, because healing doesn’t work that way. Everyone is different. All I know is, emotional pain hurts like a motherfucker. This is why I often tell people who talk about pain, that life hurts more. 

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