What I didn’t know..

I wrote a blog like 2347234 years ago about not understanding why women stay in toxic situations. Especially ones that involve children. And then one day, I woke up in my own toxicity. Before I had my daughter, I had a no non-sense reputation. I would walk away from relationships and situations without thinking twice. Then I had my daughter. The guilt about the situation was overwhelming. I knew that my daughter was going to ultimately pay for my own poor decision at choosing a life partner, or even her parent. The guilt, I can’t stress is like a cross that you invisibly carry. Now, let’s take into account that I am by no means a wall flower. In fact, I hold my own.  What I can’t explain is the level of toxicity that I deal with in a mental game of chess where I always know the next step, but its the dance itself that is grueling and exhausting. Its a dance between two people, one that is trying to force you to yield and submit or break you vs. the will to never submit, to never yield to the control and perversion of the definition of control. It’s exhausting.

Men may deal with crazy women, but women lets be honest deal with far worst situations. We deal with domestic violence, verbal abuse, stalkers and other situations on an incredibly different playing field than that of a man. One because of physical strength, two because its simply not the same. What I didn’t understand so very long ago is that you love your children so much and so unselfishly, that sometimes you suffer for them. Sometimes, you will kill parts of yourself just to keep the pieces together when you should just junk it all.   Sometimes, its a matter of finances. All I know today, is that there are a number of reasons why you stay, they’re not all reasons everyone would understand, but then again everyone doesn’t need to, only you need to. Guilt is an amazing emotion. It is in fact at times overpowering reason at times. If I had to revisit my prior stance and my former self I would say this:

No matter what monsters you may face, everything runs its course. Never lose sight of the big picture and carry on. Fear is an overpowering emotion that makes you feel unable, but you are larger than the fears of making a bad decision. In the end, the only choices that matter are the ones that bring you peace. Self sacrifice with a goal in sight is not a sacrifice lost. A sacrifice is only lost, if you do it without a plan in sight. At that point, you have wasted a lifeline. There will be days that feel like a tornado or a vicious cycle. Remember, every storm has a center, a calm. This too shall pass. Never yield, never cease to exist or allow anyone to take you from yourself. There is power in self awareness. Others will hate you for your knowledge and acceptance of your flaws, some may even fear you. In the end, that’s okay. They don’t need to love you for your self awareness. Only you need to love you with your flaws, with your perfections, with all of your good and bad. The point is, never lose sight, never lose hope and never lose faith. The moment you lose faith in love, in anything, you’ve lost everything without even realizing what you’ve lost…

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