How to not get a job…

You’ve heard of how to lose a guy in 28 days, well this is how not to get a job. Over the past few weeks after some exposure in the hiring process, I’ve got to tell you. We’ve got some real gems out there. Today was no exception so here are 8 examples on how not to land that job.

  1. Call out. Understandably things happen, life happens. But you can’t schedule an interview for the next day and just call out and then expect a call back. The only motherfucker you can expect a call back from is Tone. Dial tone.
  2. Half a thought. There is an adage about a penny for your thoughts, well I wonder how much for a complete thought. Finish your thoughts. Don’t send your resume with a half finsihed thought. No one has a magic 8ball to finish your half processed thought nor does any employer have the desire to do so. For example: I was a junior. You were what? A fucking junior bacon cheeseburger? 
  3. Pictures. I suppose photographs make sense in some positions. However, attaching selfies that belong on is not the way to get that job. Remember what your soliciting exactly, a job not a “job.” 
  4. Maybe I’m nuts but asking an employer if they’ll demand you change your face is crazy. If your face looks like you just left Ringling Brothers you surely may have to adjust your face. Especially when your face is going to be the first things clients see. That includes your chosen attire. Leave the weekends and moonlighting for just that. 
  5. Lying about qualifications. I’m sure a few stragglers have gotten by on this merit. Maybe they’ve succeeded for a while like this. The problem is, eventually you’ll have to do something you claimed to know or understand and don’t have the slightest fucking clue what to do. It’s okay to be honest, lying not a good choice. 
  6. Being an asshole. This one might sound like an obvious one but it’s not. First of all you don’t call a company to find out the status of your application with an attitude. What do you think is going to happen? You think your hired? Negative. Today I had someone do that. She called with an attitude guess what asshole the position has been filled. Even if it wasn’t you’ve just guaranteed dick head your not getting it. Employers normally get back to you about the application. If they don’t they might be tied up and mean to. Calling like a psycho with an attitude is not helping your cause. Calling back to start trouble by shit talking really really won’t help, but I hear there are meds to help. 
  7. Crappy resume. It sounds utterly cliche but trust me it’s not. It’s your first impression. Sending a resume that is haphazardly thrown together = you don’t give a shit and worst of all your not serious. For me that means I’m not taking you serious either. I’ll treat your resume with the same joke attitude as your crappy resume. Typos etc. happen even to me. But taking the time to file a cover letter, make sure it’s formatted properly etc make the world of difference. 
  8. Answers. People think that at interviews they’re talking to their bestie and shit. No. This is the real world. It’s okay to be honest about your experience but don’t walk into an organization without a solid answer like I guess. I guess nows a good time to learn. No I guess this is a good time to say get the fuck out. Next!!! 

I’m always amazed at the people we have in this world of ours. We are fucked. The quality of employee candidates has shocked my senses. I couldn’t understand why schools are like parakeets teaching people skill, soft skills in college. And now I see exactly why. Because of these disasters. It’s a waste of time and resources to waste on people like this. It’s not to say valuable candidates don’t exist they do. There are plenty of fabulous candidates, you just have to go trough the turds to find the diamonds in the pile of shit. But when you do… It’s like hitting the lotto. Jackpot bitches! 


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