Yesterday I did one of the most subliminally craziest things yet. I was at work thinking I have to get out of here. I went to the opposite side of the office to print something and found myself with my hand in the air about to clock myself out. I really didn’t even realize what I was doing until my hand was about an inch away from my time card and I was like wait.. I already did this. This morning, I experienced my first bout of anxiety. I’ve read more Freud and Psychology than I could possibly wrap my head around, plus WebMd, our unique source of further anxiety by self diagnosing ourselves and coming up with terminal illnesses.
All jokes aside, I was about a stop away on the train when my heart started speeding like horses on a racetrack. I felt nervous and flight or fight. There is a lot going on at work, but I was surprised by my reaction that I wanted to flight, not my normal fight. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed but I can promise you I was bordering anxiety/panic attack. I decided I would get a Venti Mango Black Tea Lemonade and a banana bread, that should cheer me up. But after I left Starbucks, I found myself walking like I had years to get to work. My normal ability to leap to work was gone, in its place was the slow crawling pace of the turtle who doesn’t want to beat the hare this time.
I haven’t had work anxiety in a long time, so I guess that’s why I am so surprised that right now, I’m trying to remain calm and carry on. What I really want to know is how many people out there go through this? I remember in the past wanting to go back down in the elevator as soon as it hit my floor, I was always tempted to hit 1st floor again and go home. One time, I remember in the past, I used to look at my car outside because I always parked where I could see it, and I used to think about honest to go walking to my car and taking off, until I got laid off which was the biggest relief of my life. I think they thought I was going to freak out and my reaction was okay! I collected unemployment for a bit, finished my term in school with A’s and one B and then moved to New York. If you’ve experienced this, I’d love to hear about your experience.