I will not break period. This week has been hell in all of its forms. Today is no different despite waking up in a good place and optimistic. Sometimes I feel like there are reaffirmations for your decisions. From personal to professional I feel like I’m in a hurricane. Normally I can center myself and just cope, this morning I felt damn near a break down. Because my employers insurance plan is so hefty for beneficiaries my daughter is on state run plan something that was never before now. Because I normally pay in advance I sometimes lose track of what’s due long story short my daughter is in a lapse. Now her toes probably have a fungal infection and it’s going to cost me a pretty cash penny.
It’s those setbacks that fuck with you, it’s the combination of life being petty Betty on those hard days and those unforeseen challenges that test your grit. It’s those negative shit cloud people that are balanced that the combination just fucks with you. That’s where I am. I applied for a few jobs for giggles and kicks. I got a few call backs. I think and I think I’ve known the time was here. But now I feel that doubly. I felt this morning like I was going to just go down like a tree. The combination of my physical state (fibromyalgia) the stress I’m under at work at home I felt like I might just sit on the ground have a cry and pick myself up and keep it pushing. However, I will not allow myself to fold. I have to get my shit together and keep it together. I’ve spent an eternity being strong, this should pale in comparison.
No matter the reason no matter how, what or whom, know that you are not alone. Many of us even mothers forget things, get overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated. It happens, if you were any more perfect you’d be Jesus. As I recently read, strive for grace not perfection.
They say that you reap what you sow. I think to a large degree this holds true. What you put into anything is what you get out of it. You put in shit you get shit right back. I have been telling my s/o that he needs to bond with his daughters for years. I have been explaining that he needs to spend a lone time and create a long lasting relationship before they hit the years where they would want nothing from him. That day has long arrived. He is essentially as I refer to him a human ATM. Today, he was upset with his eldest who had already made plans to go out with a friend for the long weekend and he was upset he was left out of this.
My response? Technically they do live with their mother. So she may have asked her mother if she could go which with she probably and clearly said yes. He is slowly being snubbed and in part I do blame him. I blame him for not establishing a relationship where they would want to be with him. His own attitude I also blame. A lot of kids like most teens etc want to hang out with their friends. That’s normal. But most kids to a degree also spend time with their parents. What you have put into the relationship I guess is exactly what you are getting out of it.
Literally, IBS. Its one of the most wonderful presents that either results from my shitty (no pun intended) gallbladder issues, or from my fibromyalgia. Supposedly, doc says its from fibro. I had no freaking idea or clue that your stomach could be affected by some strange invisible illness that makes you feel like you have the flu x 1000. For me, that’s one of my new perks. That any little thing could literally make me shit myself. I find it super challenging when I’m out or at work because quite frankly, I have a bathroom phobia. I hate public bathrooms, I feel like I need to douse in bleach and anti-septics just from walking in there. For me, I also have the I can’t take a shit when other people are around syndrome. So sometimes, I literally have to walk into the potty and walk myself out so that I can later come back and use it in peace.
I know that everyone uses the potty, but sometimes, I sound like a damn whoopee cushion sounding off because my stomach is just uncontrollable. I hate being that person, you know the one that blew up the potty but I can’t help it. At least I have the decency when I don’t have my poopouri to use and dash so that you don’t know whose assaulted your olfactory senses. To anyone out there dealing with IBS or fibro causing IBS. You’re not alone.
I’ve often heard the shrinks are crazy. Maybe it’s because they deal with other people’s problems? Maybe it’s being around crazy people makes you normalize abnormal behavior? I don’t know. What I do know is slowly my exposure to these professionals is exposing traits and symptoms that you would see in everyday patients like OCD, anxiety and just sheer borderline crazy. I don’t take the usage of the term crazy lightly. So if I question your sanity I sincerely am asking if you’re fucking nuts.
The one thing I despise is that I always feel like we’re playing some sort of mental chess. A battle of the wills. You trying to asses my response to your behavior. Followed by my favorite what I call the passive voice. The voice used to pacify and bring people off the damn ledge.
Inevitably I will have to really sit down and figure out if my lights are off upstairs, will be off or if they have always been off with no one home… because maybe it’s the people that enhance what you already are.
I am not a complainer. But when I tell you that I woke up feeling half way to crippled today is bad. I’m still upbeat shiver ice cream down my throat to cope with my day but I am in pain. If this invisible monster hijacking my body is not Lupus, or Sjogrens but fibromyalgia, bitch won today. I have felt so much pain in my knees and in my body it feels sort of like my body is pulsing. It’s sharp like lightning running down my wrists to my fingers, and on my feet up to my ankles. My knees are just screaming in pain.
I half way decided I wanted to join yoga although I’m still part way dismissive. But something has to give. By the time I’m 40 I’m going to need a cane or a power scooter. That I will not allow. I fight and today I’m fighting like hell. The worst part for anyone battling autoimmune or related illness is that outside you look okay. Inside it’s like a category 5 hurricane waging war. Today is one of those days. If you know someone battling this silent war be nice, be gentle. They may not complain, scream or shout or show signs of pain. But I can promise you that the pain is as real as falling out of a moving car.
This morning my daughters father brought up the unfortunate and untimely death of Kate Spade. First of all you don’t know anyone’s life. Depression is not a joke. I’ve spoken before about the barreling dark hole I found myself in at one point of my life. That was actually scary looking back. However, no matter how depressed I’ve been or the suicidal ideations that I have tangled with, for me personally I know that taking my own life just isn’t something I would do. Its not an option.
The point of this discussion is that he was like “How could someone with billions an apartment over Park Avenue a husband and a child kill themselves?” My response was you have no idea what she felt. Having all of that maybe wasn’t personal satisfaction. Maybe she felt like she had lost her own identity. This assumption that having it all money and family = happiness enraged me. To some people that’s bliss. For other women maybe they want more career or to invest their ideas etc in building something. Satisfaction of your life and overall happiness isn’t defined. So you can’t say but she had a husband and a child and assume that was fulfilling (no offense) or the secret to eternal bliss.
So I tried to explain from a personal perspective that no offense to my daughter I love her dearly but she doesn’t define me. It’s one role of many. I’m a person with my own wants and needs and that’s okay. He calls it selfish. Almost like my own identity should just die because I’m a mother. That’s a problem and I told him as much. A patriarchal issue that women can’t have it all, while a man has a thriving career a family without ever feeling the effects of any of it. While women run the gambit to try to juggle an entire life of career, family and maintain elements of a self. I’m by no means saying that I know what happened, but what I am saying is that it’s not only a mental health issue depression, etc but also that as a society we need to stop trying to neatly package where and how everyone should be happy with these fictitious and bullshit roles and ideas that parenting and family life is the most fulfilling role of your life. That these are the things that should make you happy and anything that deviates from this is just a waste or a loss.
There’s a quote that I read from a few years back that made me reflect on all of this: “Spade said balancing her family life with her new business was hectic. “Being a mother adds an enormous amount of stress to your life. You need to make sure you’re there for everything,” she told The Cut. “We don’t have other people to do it for us — I want to make sure I’m there. When you’re trying to be a parent and a businessperson at the same time, that is the most stressful thing you could do.”
If you know someone who is depressed or if you are suffering from depression, you are not alone. There is help. It is okay to talk to someone and to need a little help to get out of the darkness into the light…